Dear Grandma,

I am sorry I called you in such a rage. I should have waited and calmed down a bit but I didn’t and for that I will have to accept the consequences.

I blame both of you for the bad relationship you have. She is NOT the daughter you want and YOU are not the mother she wants. Mom is a GREAT mother to me and YOU are a fabulous GRANDMOTHER to me. But somewhere in between the two of you fall short and continue to fail one another over and over again. It is sad and regretful but it is the truth.

I would be remiss to say that it hasn’t saddened me for years that the two of you could never get along. But alike others things in life – I learned to accept the fact that life – alike family – isn’t perfect – and we do not always conduct ourselves in the most positive light. Nor does life always turn out like we hoped. I never imagined burying a father at 23 nor did you ever imagine burying two husbands. But we have all survived in our own ways and learned to move forward and find pleasure where we can.

That is why I have always tried to steer clear from the venom that spews between you and mom. But today I made a choice to change my policy as it would have affected MY son. And there is NO ONE more important to me then HIM. Not you, nor Tom, nor Mom. Ronin is a pure sweet little beauty who only knows love and warmth. And to have him exposed to anger (that he has no part of creating) is entirely unacceptable to me.

But when the selfishness that occurs between my mother and you flows into Ronin’s life then no will shall be immune to my rage. And that is why I had to take the stand I did.

I hope that at some point you will forgive me for my anger but I still stand by what I said. The two of you would be better off – if you never spoke – as there isn’t enough love between the two of you – to overcome all the hurt that happens over and over again.

You feel abandoned by the family and I am not sure what my part in that is and what I could do to make that better. I only have love for you as you have only showed me love. But I cannot continue to listen to my mother’s hurt when she speaks to you. I simply cannot handle or process the stress – not now being pregnant – nor ever in the future. I cannot exist in that state of being – I did for awhile before I met Sean and I wasn’t a happy person. He has enabled me to become strong and set boundaries and by those boundaries I must live.

I am more than a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, or a wife now. I am a mother. And I will be the best possible mother I can be – and in order to do that I must step away from the venom and hope that at some point all this nonsense will cease.

Again, I am sorry to have spoken to you in anger. I have so much love for you and hope that in your heart you know that to be true.

Mom's Day 2007

Sean called me last night from Japan and wished me happy Mom's Day. He asked to speak to Ronin. I put the phone to Ronin's ear and when Ronin heard Sean he looked around and smiled and flapped his arms and legs. Then Sean said hello again and Ronin mouthed the phone to kiss him and then started giggling. He said “allo? allo?” When Sean and I spoke I couldn’t stop crying. I asked him if he wanted to stay there because he loves Japan so much. And then he said he missed me so much it hurt. And he couldn’t bear being away from Ronin any longer then planned. When I told him how much I missed him – he started to cry a bit – and he said – I knew from the moment I met you that I would love you forever – and now that we have been apart – I know that I NEVER want to be apart from you this long ever again! And I cried some more. I miss him so much – I cannot wait until Thursday night!

Story of the day

Ronin fell asleep after playgroup today. Once he was asleep mom and Celena went outside to get something from the car. Mom and Celena locked themselves out of the house w/ Ronin asleep upstairs. Mom proceeded to call her neighbor and ask her for the extra key. Neighbor said you took the key back several months ago. Mom started to sweat. Mom realized that there was nothing she could do. She was locked out and had to call the Fire department. She said there was a baby in a crib locked inside the house. Within 5 minutes 4 police cars, and a fire truck come screeching down the block. The fireman (in a very nice outfit my mom cared to note) asked my mom which window might be opened a tad in order to avoid breaking one - my mom chose the upstairs bathroom as the optimal place to enter. As the fireman was putting the ladder against the house - she noticed that her 8 lbs poodle was running around the backyard. The poodle is never let out w/o supervision. She realized that the patio door was left open and that is how the dog got out. She stopped the fireman after he had reached the window and said the patio door is open - Omig-d! My mom then started to cry in embarrassment. She said my son-in-law is in Japan and my daughter works full time for Reader's Digest and I am very overwhelmed. I am so sorry. The fireman said that as a matter of protocol he had to check on the baby. At this point the neighbor had made it down the street in her housecoat to see if anyone needed medical attention. The fireman said that Ronin was ass-up asleep in the crib without a care in the world. When the fireman came down the stairs she had already poured them all some lemonade and apologized that it wasn’t sugar lemonade as she was a diabetic and it was only crystal light. She then pulled some cookies out of the freezer and offered them all a small nosh.

a little bitching to relieve the soul

It is strange. I have told several friends that I am pregnant way before I was going to tell anyone because I wanted to share and I also wanted some support. When they told me they were pregnant the 2nd time around I was very excited and tried to emotionally support them as much as possible. And I have received none. No one seems to particularly care when you get pregnant the 2nd time – as if to say .. Well the 1st time is super exciting as it is new experience and something to prove in a way – that you can actually conceive and carry a child to term. But the 2nd time all bets are off. I have found myself lonelier this time around and that definitely is depressing. I do have one friend that is always supportive and whenever I speak to her she makes me feel great – compliments me and blusters me up when I am down and she doesn’t even have children. Also I have found that I have to chase some of my friends more then I care too. Now I know I don’t have an office anymore and I lack privacy at work – but they could call me at lunch time and check in occasionally. Again this makes me feel bad. And I know I am hyper-emotional but still – the loneliness is pervasive and especially since Sean is out of the country I would think there would have been more emotional support for a friend.

13 lbs. YOU bet your ass baby!

So I competed in a weight loss challenge here at work and the winner would receive about $450. The winner is also determined by percentage not total poundage. So I knew I would NEVER have a chance as I have the most to lose - which I normally do in all these challenges. The challenge was originally for 3 months but we all extended it for 4 months. I did well for 3 months and over the past month I have been eating a lot – HMMM I wonder why??

I weighted in this morning and lost 13 lbs!! I am VERY proud of me.

But there is a skinny-mini who lost 10 lbs and now she tells everyone that she has a thyroid issue. I think it is totally unfair for her to win as she didn’t have to try – like the rest of us – but I can’t say anything because that makes me look petty. And I still wouldn’t care if I hadn’t won – I just don’t think she should be able to.