So much is new. I started work on Monday and joining the daily grind again has been HARD but not too bad. I miss Autumn so completely that after I put Ronin to sleep I hold her from 6-9pm. I eat dinner with one hand and try to squeeze an entire day of love into 3 hours. I don’t see her in the mornings unless I am driving her to mom’s house. I also don’t see Ronin in the mornings if I drive Autumn so I enjoy when I get to drop him off at Day-care because he likes to show me his room.
I believe in my heart that mom’s that work suffer more – emotionally and physically. If I felt sick then I could still take care of Autumn and just be home – or even run errands – but when I am sick at work I have to be ON and smart and engaging and that is simply exhausting. The pressure is earth-shattering to me. But I do what I have to do.
I also miss so much of Autumn during the day – the time to pass on wisdom and love and share in her first sounds and expressions and emotions. I existed solely in a bubble of her love for 10 weeks – her smiles were for me – her happiness was generated by me – her needs were met by me – now I share her with my mother and my husband and her smiles and love are for others.
She is a sweet sweet soul.
Ronin started a new daycare on February 1st. His transition was minimal and he is a well adjusted and social kid. He walked right in – grabbed a big yellow bus and started playing. He labels everything and speaks endlessly. His latest expressions are “I did it!” “I got it!” “I found it!” “I know!” Objects “fall down” now and he understands the concept of sound. He is always looking out for baby and likes to pat her on the head and hug her – around the belly. When I dropped Ronin at daycare on Wednesday – he gave me a kiss – said “olive-vu” and gave me a kiss. When he said “bu-bye” all the kids stated waving and saving “bye” as well. Ronin got mad and said “my MAMA!” so that everyone knew who I was. I felt claimed and proud and rode that feeling all day.
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